Before Marriage Comes Dating, Before Dating Comes the Talking Stage: Part 2
In the last column we talked about the obvious fact that marriage, too, begins with a relationship,
and that no matter how perfect the person standing in front of you is, if you don't know how to build a relationship, it will never lead to marriage.
You have to know how to date, and before that, how to handle the talking stage, before you can even think about marriage.
As one tip for starting a relationship, we used a small example: "think about the right physical distance from the other person." Before the talking stage begins, keep about a table's width between you. In other words, be conscious of the psychological distance between you and the other person.
In general, at the stage before the talking stage, when things may or may not be about to start, it's best to keep that distance. At this point the other person most likely doesn't feel close to you yet, so closing the gap too fast can actually trigger their defenses. At a stage where you need to earn their interest step by step, there's nothing to gain from putting them on guard.
Once you've reached the stage you can genuinely call "seeing each other," it's normal to be able to come within about an arm's length. From here, the two of you start sharing bits of personal information, and small gestures of physical affection may be attempted.
That's why, at this stage, it also matters that you find a point of agreement on physical touch. This doesn't mean physical touch is mandatory during the talking stage; it means you need to see how much of it each of you actually wants.
The person initiating physical touch absolutely has to keep one thing in mind: the level of touch the other person wants may be different from what you want. Linking arms? OK. Holding hands? OK. So a kiss too? A kiss might be a NO.
And the person who declines because things feel like they're moving a little fast has something to take care of as well. Let the other person know that you're not rejecting them as a person. You're declining the touch, but that doesn't mean you dislike who they are.
If you're the one being turned down, there's no need to be crushed either. The other person is holding off on this level of touch for now, but it may well become possible as the relationship builds. Having a touch declined and having your existence rejected are two different things.
If you show too much disappointment because your expected pace doesn't match the other person's feelings, or worse, get angry, that only puts them on guard again. When it's time to step back, step back cleanly.
If you've read this far, you should have a sense of what the key point always has to be when building a relationship with someone new. Whether it's physical distance or physical touch, it's about caring for and considering the other person's feelings rather than your own wants. In the end, gauging distance and calculating the stages of touch are just small examples; if you can keep considering the other person's position and emotions, this whole process happens naturally.
While you're getting to know each other, you can't help constantly wondering what kind of person the other one sees you as. Will you present yourself as someone who can show interest while still respecting the other person's position, or remain someone who is pushed around by their own feelings?
That difference reveals itself naturally through small words and actions when you meet. So isn't it essential to take stock of how you've been speaking and acting so far, and how you'll speak and act from now on? That is, if you don't want to let a good person slip away.
