Can a Man in His 30s Who Has Never Dated Get Married? - Conversation Edition
Following up on the Appearance Edition for men in their 30s who have never dated, this installment is for anyone who has no idea how to carry a conversation on a blind date.
Think signing up with a matchmaking agency will solve everything? Think again.
Let's say the exact woman you wanted shows up to the blind date.
If you don't have the ability to build a 'relationship' from the moment you meet, you won't land a second date, or even if you get lucky and do, you won't be able to develop it into an actual relationship.
So you'll just keep going on blind date after blind date while the money keeps draining away.
Don't go in with no plan and no thought and waste your time, money, and energy. Readers, please read this before your next blind date!
1. No rushing (feat. the question-mark serial killer)
What's the number one trait of men who have never dated?
It's 'impatience'.
And where does that impatience show?
To put it in a metaphor, guys who've never dated are like a question-mark serial killer.
They fire the questions they've prepared at the other person like they're clearing quests in a game.
Rather than watching how she responds and using that to get to know her better, it goes like this:
What are your hobbies? Reading. Done.
What's your family like? My parents, me, and my older sister. Done.
In many cases the whole blind date ends up being nothing but this kind of interrogation.
When this question-answer-done interrogation style keeps repeating, what do you think the other person is thinking?
For one, it doesn't feel like the two of you are connecting, and since there's zero feedback on her answers, she'll struggle to find any meaning in the conversation.
So there's nothing to make her look forward to a future with you, and naturally she won't want a second meeting either.
Let's flip it around and start by thinking about what the woman on the blind date actually wants.
A blind date is a chance to find out what kind of person someone is.
So it needs to be a place where you ask the things you're genuinely curious about and dig deeper into them.
For example, let's say you ask, "So what do you like to do in your free time?"
If she answers, "I love watching baseball," most guys who've never dated will say
"Oh, I see. I like soccer," and the conversation dies right there. Sadly, that's not a real 'conversation'.
For a real conversation to happen, even if you have zero interest in baseball and know nothing about it, you need to show curiosity about why she likes it.
For example, "Which team do you root for?" or "Last year everyone around me was going to games all the time. I've been wanting to go to a ballpark myself. Do you go often?" and so on.
Follow-up questions like these, ones that let her keep going, are what turn a conversation into a real conversation.
2. You don't have to be Yoo Jae-suk.
Another thing to consider when you're talking is silence.
When two strangers meet, silence is inevitable. But men who have never dated tend to try to fill that silence by talking a lot.
So the common mistake is thinking that filling every silence is good manners, and then trying too hard to be funny,
or, instead of listening to the other person,
rambling on and on about themselves.
The reason this is a mistake is that trying to fill the silence single-handedly so often turns into a desperate overreach, and the date ends abruptly with no spark and no second date.
Readers, remember this, and remember it again.
You don't need to turn into Yoo Jae-suk, Korea's most famous TV host, and MC the whole date.
In that awkward first-meeting silence, the most important thing is to create a space where the other person can join the conversation with 'interest'.
To do that, you first need to figure out what she's interested in, right?
Then, you need to show interest and curiosity about whatever she's expressed interest in, right?
And for that, you need to toss out the right questions and topics at the right moments, things she'll be excited to talk about.
Which means 'listening' is essential, right?
Just listening attentively and asking questions about what she says will leave such a positive first impression that you can consider yourself more than halfway there.
3. Non-verbal cues matter more than you think.
They say 65% of what we communicate in a conversation is non-verbal.
In other words, your facial expressions, tone, voice, and gestures matter far more than the content of your words.
It's important to hold soft eye contact with the other person while you talk.
Keep your expression warm and gentle, and lean slightly toward her to give the sense that you're listening.
And speak in a confident, assured tone of voice!
It's good to show reactions along the way, like nodding in agreement or responding to what she says with the right expression.
Just don't overdo any of it!
I've tried to cover the most important points here in writing, but I suspect some male readers still don't quite get it, or understand what to do but find it doesn't work when they actually try.
Don't go on a blind date and let someone you'd regret losing for the rest of your life slip away. I strongly recommend getting expert help beforehand!
