Choosing a Spouse: Should You Start Now?

Choosing a Spouse: Should You Start Now?

Everyone else seems to be dating, getting married, even having kids, and you're the only one still single. Does that make you anxious?

It's only natural to get flustered when people ask, "Why are you still single?" And as the wedding invitations pile up, you may feel like you're missing out on something. If that anxiety has you thinking about blind dates, apps, or even a matchmaking agency, stop for a moment and give this article your attention first!

If you're feeling anxious, let me start by saying this: there's nothing strange about that feeling at all.

Social pressure and comparison affect everyone.

Especially if you're at what people call the marriageable age, it's almost unavoidable.

But let's get one thing perfectly clear here.

And that is: there is absolutely no need to compare the pace of your life to anyone else's.

Marriage is the decision of a lifetime, welcoming a life partner,

and if you judge and decide hastily, with the mindset of 'everyone else is doing it', there's a high chance you'll regret it later.

What makes a good spouse?

Let's look at the conditions people tend to bring up when sizing up a potential spouse.

How attractive are they?

How much money do they have?

Are they fun, pleasant, and comfortable to be around?

Of course, all of those conditions matter.

But married life isn't just a string of romantic moments.

In particular, you need to see how they handle conflict when it arises. Someone who can talk honestly with you rather than bottling up their feelings is probably the most desirable quality of all. Because communication starts with acknowledging each other's differences like this.

Have you ever been frustrated during a conflict because the other person wouldn't talk? Or struggled because they kept pushing you for an answer?

Based on how people approach conflict, we can broadly divide conflict-handling styles into two types. One is fight, the other is flight. Looking at each a little more closely: the fight type wants to resolve a conflict clearly, in words, the moment it comes up. The flight type, on the other hand, believes a conflict can only be resolved with enough time to think, and puts the situation on hold for now rather than resolving it immediately. If these two don't understand their differences and run into a conflict, it's bound to end in disaster, right? That's why we need to understand and adjust to each other's styles and learn how to fight well. (And on that note, let me point out that through professional counseling you can learn in detail how to fight, or rather, how to approach conflict and how to resolve it!)

You also need someone you can lean on when things get hard, someone who will work through that hardship with you.

And you need to marry someone responsible in order to protect your relationship, which is to say your family.

As everyone knows, finding someone who's a perfect match for you is next to impossible,

so a good spouse for you is someone you can work through your differences with, in other words, someone with similar goals and values.

So how do you meet someone like that?

You might join activity groups that match your personality and values, or these days you might even meet someone through a simple personality search on apps or websites.

But it's also an important fact not to overlook that exploring and agonizing over all of this on your own is really not easy.

And you may need to check whether the standards you hold are actually realistic.

If you've tried plenty and it's still hard, then yes, getting expert help is the easiest way forward.

Through counseling, you can understand what you really want while getting to the root of your anxiety, and also learn what kind of person suits you, what problems might come up down the road,

and so on. You can get a complete, all-around picture of the kind of spouse who's right for you.

And if you have mistaken assumptions about marriage or dating, it can be the perfect opportunity to correct those too.

That's because counseling isn't just a tool for solving problems. It's a process for understanding yourself better and moving in a better direction. If counseling helps you gain confidence and set the right standards for marriage, every bit of effort you put into it will be an enormous help in choosing a spouse.

Once again, choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions of your life.

If that decision is driven by impatience or social pressure, it may not be the path to the happiness you actually want.

Trust yourself, and if you need to, get the help of an outside supporter through counseling, and let's move forward slowly.

The right person will come along in the end, even if you don't rush.