Dating Before Marriage, the Talking Stage Before Dating (Part 1)
Whether you get set up by a friend, go to a formal matchmaking meeting, join a gathering, or get matched through a matchmaking agency, it's obvious that to get married you first have to meet someone.
But meeting someone is no guarantee of marriage. Isn't the real start of the problem that before marriage comes dating, and before dating comes the talking stage?
How many people can confidently say that as soon as they meet someone they like, they can get through the talking stage, date, and make it all the way to marriage? If you want to raise your hand and say you're confident, and you're not married yet, you can go ahead and put that hand down.
In the end, everything starts with the "talking stage." Even with someone you met through a matchmaking agency, you have to succeed at the talking stage first before any dating or marriage can happen.
What is the talking stage? In Korean it's called "sseom," a coined word derived from the English "something," meaning there's something between the two of you: a stage where nothing is certain, but there's mutual interest.
Yet the things you must do to start the talking stage can be surprisingly clear. Let's at least learn the basics before meeting someone new, to reduce the sad cases of meeting a good person and failing right at the talking stage because you didn't know them.
To give you one tip as an example: think about the distance between you and the other person.
I don't mean the distance you ask about with "Where do you live?" I mean paying attention to the physical distance when you meet them. Physical distance is directly connected to psychological distance.
You've probably heard somewhere that in dating, you need to match the pace of each other's feelings. The pace of feelings is too complex a topic for a short column, but at the very least, by paying attention to physical distance at the first meeting, you can prevent the other person from feeling "this person is too much."
How much distance is ideal? Before the talking stage begins, about one table's width is plenty.
I like this person, though? And it seems like they're into me too?
If you're not sure how they feel, please put the hasty judgments away. If the person you like closes the distance first, lucky you; if not, it's far better to leave the impression of being "relaxed (or careful)" for the next meeting than to become "the person who can't read the room."
Of course, keeping an appropriate distance doesn't mean the talking stage will automatically begin. It means this is the bare minimum you need to know.
What matters most, in the end, is that matching conditions alone aren't enough to leave a good first impression and build attraction. Even if your specs line up well, could you consider marrying someone who doesn't even know how to start a relationship?
Of course, beyond distance, many things like eye contact and conversation shape the first meeting and continue to affect what comes after.
When you meet someone new in search of a spouse, and, excitingly, you like them, are you ready to build the relationship well? Do you know how to close the distance?
Marriage, too, ultimately begins with a relationship. Someone who doesn't know how to build one will miss the opportunity no matter how good the person they meet.
Isn't this also why matches made on conditions alone at a matchmaking agency are so likely to fail?
