Before You Get Married, at Least Know How Men and Women Communicate Differently
Among the reasons "we just can't communicate" is a difference in conversation style.
When two people with different conversation styles talk, they can't help feeling that they aren't getting through to each other. And it's not just you who's frustrated; the other person is frustrated too.
It's often said that men and women communicate differently. Because these differences come from differences in the brain and in hormones, it's best to read this column as a general tendency and use it that way. Broadly speaking, women tend toward empathy-centered conversation and men tend toward solution-centered conversation.
Of course, there are women who prefer solution-centered conversation and men who prefer empathy-centered conversation, so please don't take this as "women are always like this and men are always like that." But if you've ever wondered why you get along so easily with same-sex friends but can't seem to communicate with the opposite sex, this column will help quite a bit.
So how exactly do the styles differ? Let's start with empathy-centered conversation. Many women communicate in an empathy-centered way. For example, when I'm talking about something that stressed me out, I'm sharing my feelings about it and hoping the other person will empathize with those feelings.
But most men, rather than focusing on and empathizing with the feeling, want to share what they know about the situation, offer solutions, or give their opinion. Many men do this without even realizing it.
Then when the other person says, "Why aren't you listening to me? You're only talking about yourself," they deny it, but from the perspective of someone who wanted empathy, the only thought is, "Why are you trying to lecture me instead of taking my side?" Unless the other person asked for advice, there's no need to try to solve their problem. Just chiming in with "That must have been hard" can make you someone they feel they can talk to and lean on.
What about solution-centered conversation, then? When a problem or worry comes up, many men naturally want to work out a solution and reach a conclusion.
Ask a person like this to talk about how they feel and they may go blank. They wonder, "How does talking about my feelings help?" or even "What am I feeling?" and genuinely can't put it into words. It's not that they won't; they can't.
Even when a conversation doesn't feel like an emotional exchange, you have to listen fully to the other person's position and understand their desire to solve the problem before real conversation can happen.
From the perspective of someone who wants empathy-centered conversation this can feel frustrating, but if you only ever try empathy-focused conversation with someone who's used to solution-centered conversation, they'll end up feeling misunderstood and feel that the two of you can't communicate, and when that kind of conversation repeats, hearts drift apart.
Ask yourself: have I been someone the other person could really communicate with? You have to become someone who communicates well before you can hold on to a good person. No matter how attractive someone is, if basic conversation doesn't work, they'll feel there's no reason to keep the relationship going. Conversely, being easy to talk to is a huge attraction in itself.
If you're seeing someone right now, take another look: do the two of us really communicate well? I'll stress again that one of the most common reasons couples break up is "we just couldn't communicate." Conversation really matters. If you can't communicate while dating, will you suddenly be able to once you're married?
If you're not sure whether you're someone who communicates well, or someone who can make yourself attractive through conversation, I recommend submitting a diagnosis questionnaire.
