Before You Get Married, at Least Know the Love Languages
You dream of getting married, but do you know about the love languages?
When you were young, you probably believed that as long as two people loved each other, you could live happily ever after with the right person. But anyone who has been in even one relationship has learned the hard way that it doesn't actually work that way.
Conflict is inevitable, even in a relationship with someone you love deeply. Meeting countless clients means encountering countless conflicts, and in upcoming columns I plan to walk through the most common of those cases one by one. I hope it helps someone out there who is struggling with a similar conflict.
One of the most common complaints couples bring in is "we just can't communicate." Haven't we all either heard this from a partner, or been the frustrated one ourselves?
We're clearly speaking the same language, so why can't we communicate? What does it even mean to say we can't communicate when we're communicating? "We can't communicate" can carry more meanings than you'd think. Today I want to talk about one of those meanings: the "love languages."
In general, for a conversation to work, both people have to speak the same language. The same is true when giving and receiving love. We need to know our own love language and, beyond that, our partner's love language before we can truly communicate.
Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept of the five love languages in his book. Since its publication, <The 5 Love Languages> has become a worldwide bestseller, translated into some 40 languages.
The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
- Words of affirmation: affirming your partner with positive words such as praise, encouragement, and gratitude.
- Quality time: time spent together emotionally, with your partner focused on you and giving you their attention.
- Receiving gifts: gifts are also a good way to express love. As long as the heart is in it, the price or size of the gift doesn't matter.
- Acts of service: doing what your partner wants done or helping them out.
- Physical touch: physical contact is also a non-verbal way of conveying feelings. Stroking someone's hair or giving them a hug both count as physical touch.
Have you ever thought about which language makes you feel loved? Have you ever thought about which language the person you love values most?
For example, say the person I'm going to marry values "words of affirmation." But I might be someone who values "gifts." So I shower them with gifts to express my love, and what comes back is a baffled reaction.
"Do you even love me? Why do you try to solve everything with things?" "What are you talking about? Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
And that's how the communication breaks down.
If you keep using a love language that doesn't match your partner, it won't feel like love to them, while from your side you're left wondering why they don't see how much love you've been expressing.
"Does that person really love me?" or "Why doesn't that person see my love?"
If you've ever had even one of these doubts, take a moment to look back at whether you really knew your own and your partner's love language. Simply matching love languages reduces the times you can't communicate.
Find which of the five love languages you and your partner each value most and express love accordingly, and developing and maintaining the relationship becomes far smoother. That doesn't mean the other love languages are unnecessary, of course. You need to use all five love languages appropriately to lead a relationship toward happiness.
What people want from a marriage partner differs from person to person, but at bottom, everyone wants to meet "someone I can really communicate with." To get there, start by learning your own language, and if someone is already by your side, learn their language too.
Love languages should be checked during the talking stage, or at the very least while dating, well before you get to marriage. Is there someone you currently have in mind as a marriage partner? If so, do you know which love language you should be speaking to them?
