Can I Really Marry This Person..?

Can I really marry this person..?

You're going back and forth on whether to marry them, aren't you?

Be honest. Are you thinking about marriage for reasons like 'because I just like them' or 'because I'm at that age'? If that sounds like you, pay attention and hear me out.

Is marriage just an extension of dating?

Marriage isn't something you can simply decide on because someone is a good fit.

It's a lifelong promise. From here on, you share your entire life, have children, become a mother and father, and build a family. It's enormous.

If you've concluded 'we're a great match' just because you don't fight much right now,

that could be dangerous. There are so many problems that only arise once you're married.

For example, once you're married, real-life issues come pouring in: money, family, children. If you've never dealt with any of those, will you know how to resolve things when a conflict comes up?

You're not the only one agonizing over this.

Having doubts? Of course you do. I get it.

I once wrestled with the same thing.

I vaguely felt that a future with this person would be happy,

but at the same time, a fear crept in: "What if this is the wrong choice?"

And honestly, that's something a lot of people go through.

But one thing you need to know for sure: 'love' alone isn't enough to carry a marriage. Love is only the beginning. What matters in the end is the attitude you bring to understanding each other and working through problems.

So what criteria should you use to decide?

1. Check your marriage values

Check whether you hold similar values about the things that come with marriage. You need to figure out what happiness and what values each of you is pursuing. Something that matters enormously to you might mean nothing to your partner, and vice versa.

2. Fight or flight (conflict resolution style)

What matters isn't avoiding fights, but how you make up and resolve things afterward. To be more precise, it starts with how you fight. Because two people facing a conflict each have their own way of dealing with it. It splits into fight and flight: some people want to resolve the conflict right now, through talking, others want plenty of time to think before they talk, and some try to avoid it altogether. Once you understand both types, find a compromise, and learn how to fight well, a fight? That becomes nothing at all.

3. Mutual respect

If they show an attitude of dismissing or belittling you, that's a danger sign. It will only get worse after marriage. You need to think about the fundamental cause and reason they're dismissing you. They may simply be a person of poor character, but you may also have created that dynamic. If that's the case, you need to check which parts of you created that dynamic and change them.

4. A careful choice

Take a little more time and really look at who they are. Decide too easily, and you may regret it over a side of them you never saw. You need to make a genuinely rational choice: are you doing this because you've truly reached the point of being ready for marriage, or because this person is right for you?

Learn through counseling

These days, more and more couples get expert counseling while preparing for marriage.

Through counseling, you can find out in advance how ready each of you is and what difficulties to expect in married life. And importantly, this kind of counseling strengthens the trust between you. Marriage is one of the most important decisions in life.

So it deserves careful thought and preparation.

The very fact that you're asking "Can I really marry this person?" is already a good start. It's far better than marrying without a second thought and regretting it.

So take it one step at a time. I sincerely hope your marriage is a successful one!