From Dating to Marriage… You Thought About It, But?
How does dating lead to marriage?
Some people may assume that dating long enough will naturally lead to marriage. But dating and marriage are different.
You go from thinking only about dating this person to thinking about marrying them, and there are clear steps that have to happen when you move beyond maintaining a relationship to considering marriage. Let's look at two of the most important ones.
1. It's no longer a relationship where you only share the fun, exciting moments.
In dating, especially early on, whether the relationship is fun and enjoyable matters a great deal. Being happy just to see their face, enjoying the conversation and having fun on dates can be enough to make it a decent relationship. At this point, simply thinking about what you'll do and eat when you meet, when and how far physical affection will go, and what you'll talk about on the phone before bed is exciting, so the relationship develops without much difficulty and, barring any major problems, can be sustained.
Marriage, though, requires being able to share the moments that aren't fun. Life isn't always enjoyable. Worries about work, your financial situation, plans for the future: life means carrying countless concerns like these. A life partner has to be someone you can share these things with too. If they're fun to be around but you can't have a serious conversation with them, it's hard to think beyond dating.
If your partner tries to dodge important conversations, doesn't listen to you and only talks about themselves, or you end up fighting every time a serious topic comes up, wouldn't they be a difficult choice for marriage?
Before thinking about marriage, consider whether your partner is someone you can have these conversations with. But on the flip side, it's also worth considering whether you yourself are ready to have these serious conversations with your partner. If deep conversation is difficult for whatever reason, you may be in a situation where you need help to move the relationship forward.
2. You take an interest in each other's families, too.
When you're dating, it's fine to focus only on each other. Your families may come up naturally as you share your daily lives, but from the early days of dating you don't take a big interest in your partner's family. If all you're going to do is date, it might even be a little strange to be interested in how their parents get along, how their health is, or how they get on with their relatives.
But everyone knows that deciding to get married without knowing anything about your partner's family of origin is hasty.
Part of it is that marriage in Korea especially is so entangled between families that it's hard to call it a marriage between just two people, but learning about your partner's family of origin is also a way to understand them deeply. The kind of family they grew up in and the experiences they had there tell you who that person is.
There are quite a few people who say the partner themselves is wonderful, but once they factor in the family, they have second thoughts about marriage. And sometimes parents oppose the marriage and that creates real hardship.
In fact, the question from point 1, "Is this a relationship where we can talk about serious things?", also includes whether you're a couple who can discuss and work through each other's family issues maturely.
Family issues, of course, aren't easy. But they're something you have to deal with for a harmonious marriage. If your efforts and your partner's alone aren't enough to have these conversations and resolve the problems, you need some kind of plan.
If you feel stuck trying to resolve your own or your partner's family issues, or the practical problems surrounding marriage, that means marriage won't be easy even if the two of you are getting along wonderfully, which makes it all the more frustrating. If it's not a problem between the two of you but you're second-guessing marriage because the surrounding circumstances are hard to resolve, you may be in a situation where you need help solving the problem.
These concerns can of course be worked through with an expert, so if anything in this piece struck a chord, I recommend submitting a diagnosis questionnaire before it's too late.
