Follow These Rules During the Talking Stage and You Will End Up With a Partner.
The Rules You Absolutely Must Follow to Turn the Talking Stage Into a Relationship
Continuing from the last column, this time we're going to look at the mistakes people so easily make during the talking stage.
The reason these mistakes are worth examining is that they're the classic slip-ups that keep you from moving from the talking stage into a real relationship, and instead leave you with a talking stage that falls apart.
I touched on this briefly in the last column, but let's do a quick recap, shall we?
First of all, you remember that the talking stage has stages of its own, right?
That is, the talking stage is made up of three phases: the pre-talking stage, the talking stage, and the deep talking stage.
Today we're only going to look at phase two, the talking stage proper, for those of you who have already moved into it in earnest.
Not quite sure about the pre-talking stage yet, or curious about it? I'd recommend taking a look at the column below!
The Three Steps of the Talking Stage
Once you're past the pre-talking stage and into the talking stage itself, the very first thing that happens is possessiveness kicks in.
This is the phase where the other person starts to seriously occupy your thoughts and you find yourself wanting to see them.
Looking for things they'd like, trying to do things together with them, all of that happens right here.
The problem is that some people, when they don't get what they want here, start voicing how hurt they feel.
Hurt feelings like these are actually the cause of around 80% of the breakups among the clients who come to our company.
That's why the first thing you absolutely have to check is your language habits.
So, what if I said to you right now, "Do you know why your love life isn't working? Don't take this the wrong way, just listen." How would that feel? Don't you already feel yourself bracing to be offended?
People with what's commonly called an anxious attachment style tend to be strongly possessive.
You're not even a couple yet, you're only in the talking stage, but they act as if they already have it all, and the two of you end up moving at different speeds.
This is exactly the situation that produces what people call a "one-sided relationship."
They don't consider or check how the other person feels at all; they just keep saying and showing how much they want to see them, and to the other person that doesn't come across as romantic. It comes across as clingy.
What matters here is making the other person come looking for you on their own.
What kind of person could I be for them? Making them keep wondering about you and wanting to seek you out, that's the key point!
Second, personal information starts getting exchanged. This is the phase where you learn about the other person: details about them, their daily life, random TMI and so on.
Men commonly fumble this part and the talking stage collapses. Why is that?
Because this is where "empathy" is needed. And empathy comes from curiosity.
You might say you know each other well, but the truth is that in the talking stage there's still a lot being held back.
What they do when they get home, when they go to sleep, when they wake up... you need to be curious about the other person's day and routine, and let them know who you are as well, not just the other way around.
One thing to be careful of here, though: watch that your daily conversation doesn't turn into
Sleep well? - Had breakfast? - At work yet? - Work going okay? - What did you have for lunch? - Done with work? - Had dinner? - Good night
a plain status report like this!
Especially in the talking stage, neither of you is obligated to keep in touch, so if your contact turns into these meaningless daily check-ins, the thought "Why are we even exchanging these pointless messages?" starts creeping in, and the contact can fade out entirely.
What you need is real "communication and exchange" that lets you meaningfully learn each other's values, beliefs and lifestyle. That's why empathy matters so much.
If having that kind of conversation feels impossibly hard, the column below is a good place to start.
Or, if you'd like an expert to analyze the actual conversations you've had with this person so far and properly untangle the situation, I'd recommend getting a real analysis and help from our specialists, who have guided countless singles all the way to marriage.
Third, you start finding the right level of physical touch.
Here, you "absolutely" have to be careful to match the other person's pace!
And it's just as important not to feel personally rejected when physical contact gets turned down.
Put simply: don't sulk.
There's research showing that when someone is refused physical touch, the level of the stress hormone cortisol in their brain spikes as high as that of someone about to take their own life with a gun.
That's how deeply both the person refusing and the person being refused can be hurt in that moment.
This is the phase where you find out how far physical touch can go, and how much playful teasing is okay.
Don't rush, don't sulk when they say no,
and just calibrate the right level of physical touch at the pace the other person allows.
Only once all three of these have happened can you finally move on to the deep talking stage, the one right before you become a couple.
Now, it seems like you both like each other...
and you'll start agonizing over who should make the first move: should I say something first, or will they?
When and how to confess your feelings, and whether you should even do it at all, we'll look at together in the next column.
