Relationship Slump Symptoms: Is This What I'm Going Through?
Am I really in a slump? Is our relationship okay?
Among the people who came to read this, there are definitely some who have had this thought.
The dictionary definition of a slump, or ennui, is "laziness or weariness that arises from growing tired of some activity or state."
Have I grown weary of this relationship or marriage, in other words of my partner, and become lazy or tired of it? Some of you are certain of it.
Others are probably thinking, "It's not that bad, is it... dates have just been kind of boring lately..." The typical symptoms of a relationship slump are the ones below.
1. You don't feel like talking.
Unless you've cut off contact entirely, you're still talking. Everyday conversation, and if things aren't bad between you, venting about this and that... But think about how long it's been since you talked to your partner as a partner. Especially, hasn't it been far too long since you had the kind of conversation that makes you both look forward to and get excited about this relationship, like planning a fun date or picturing a future together? When was the last time you exchanged honest, unfiltered expressions of affection, or told each other how much you mean to one another?
It may be a different story for couples who were never used to this kind of conversation in the first place, but if you clearly used to have these conversations and they've noticeably dwindled or vanished lately, that could be a problem. The point is that conversation shrinking just because the relationship has become comfortable and familiar is not natural. And if, when you consider bringing up these things again after so long, you feel annoyed and like it's pointless rather than excited, the odds that it's a slump are even higher.
That said, if something bad is going on in your family, work has gotten suddenly hectic, you're preparing to change jobs, or your real-life circumstances are otherwise chaotic or rough, there's a chance the reason is situational, so don't jump to conclusions. When situational stress drains your energy and makes it hard to focus on the relationship, things often recover naturally once circumstances improve.
However, if the relationship is limping along and you have no idea when the situation will improve, a breakup may just be a matter of time, so regardless of whether it's a slump, you may need to come up with a plan.
2. Your priorities seem to have shifted.
Whether the relationship is your number-one priority in life varies from person to person, but when a relationship is going well, most people place it, and their partner, fairly high on the list. Balancing the relationship with the rest of life matters too, so even if it isn't always number one, you'll usually put plans with your partner ahead of other plans, or make an effort to carve out time for them in advance even when you're busy.
But what if, unlike before, the time you spend on work, meeting friends and personal downtime starts feeling more important than the time you spend with your partner? What if you catch yourself thinking it'd be more fun to hang out with friends or rest alone than to go on a date? Priorities can shift naturally. Then plans with your partner start to feel like a chore, and in severe cases, like an intrusion on your daily life.
That happens because time with your partner has stopped being restorative and become boring, and beyond that, stressful. If it were exciting and fun, you'd gladly make the time to see them, but it isn't.
3. You've become less forgiving.
Your partner's small habits start to grate on you more easily. The things that used to be kind of cute are hard to put up with, and it's not easy to let even small mistakes slide. So arguments become more frequent, and when even arguing feels like too much effort, you stop talking altogether.
Everyone has a capacity, born of loving someone, to be considerate of that person and to put up with them. When that capacity weakens, things you used to tolerate become hard to tolerate. This weakening of the strength to put up with the person you love is itself one of the symptoms of a slump.
If your partner's mistakes and flaws suddenly stand out and bother you, and you don't want to be patient or make more effort for their sake, you can't help but doubt whether you really love them.
If only one of the three above applies to you, there's a chance it's situational, or that you're going through a psychologically difficult period. For number 2 in particular, keep in mind that if you're a strongly introverted person, this can happen even early in a relationship.
But if two or all three apply, the odds are low that the relationship will recover on its own if you keep going as you are.
If you were honestly nodding along to a lot of this column but have never thought about how to get over a slump, or you've thought about it but have no idea what to actually do, I recommend submitting a diagnosis questionnaire.
